Day Twenty-One: Part One

Today is three weeks since that phone call that changed the trajectory of my life. Everyday I'm getting better and everyday I think more and more about what my new future will be like. It's terrifying and exciting and I'll probably think of a million different scenarios and none of them will probably be right.

I think about my future career a lot. I start school again in about a month. I'm getting my graduate degree in Public Health Management and Policy. I wonder if I'll use it to go around the world and help set up clinics in far off places. Or if I'll stay in the U.S. and help those in need in this country. I wonder if I'll do a 180 and work for one of those high and mighty hospitals that cater to the rich and powerful and make me rich and powerful. Whatever I do, I hope I always have a strong sense of compassion leading me. I don't want to wake up one day, 20 years from now and think, "Oh my God, I'm a horrible human being." I want to wake up 20 years from now and think, "Oh my God, I am AMAZING." Or you know some other positive adjective.

I also of course think about what my love life is going to be like. I'm DEFINITELY going to take it easy the next couple of months. The last thing I want right now is a boyfriend. The first thing I'd like, however, are random romantic rendezvous. (And when I say romantic rendezvous, what I really mean is senseless make out sessions.) I enjoy going to a party, a show or a club, scoping out the place, picking a cute guy and making him mine for the night. It's empowering to be in control of myself and my sexuality.

And I'll be ready to date and have a relationship again one day. I'll fall in love and he'll be everything I want because I'll have taken this time to rediscover myself and be the awesome person I know I am. He'll love me. Like really, really love me. And that makes me all googly and happy inside.

I'm excited about doing things on MY terms again. My life was not my own the last 21 months. I got lost in him and I was at a standstill. I was going to spend the next three years of my life like this. THREE YEARS. I get to figure out who I am again. Which is also worthy of feeling googly and happy inside.

Day Five: Part One

I hate these moments that come when I really, really want to talk to him. I would like nothing better than to call him right now and talk and just fix everything. But that won't happen. Nothing will be fixed. You can't fix this. You can't make anyone fall back in love with you. That's now how it works.

Thank goodness for friends and family. I'd probably be in the fetal position right now crying my heart out if it weren't for the people who still love me. Love is very powerful. I know love. The commitment and the understanding between two people and the willingness to open you heart. Really open it.

I thought he understood love. When he told me he loved me, I felt like he did. I think he did. But I don't know what happened. I wish I knew what happened.

I'm starting to do the opposite of what your suppose to. I keep second guessing myself. Everything I've said and done through out the last couple of months.

There's no going back though. There isn't. This is life. This is how it goes.

But this isn't forever. One day it'll be something like Joe Fox's confession to Kathleen Kelly in 'You've Got Mail.'

"I would have asked for you phone number and I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling and asking, 'How about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie...for as long as we both shall live?"

And we'll love each other. And it'll be fact.

Day Four: Part One

What I wrote my best girlfriend today over text:

"I'm ok. I haven't really thought about it much today. Everyday I think about it a little less. And when I know I'm just gonna get depressed, I literally get up and dance. He doesn't love me and I understand that to whatever degree is possible right now. I don't see any reason to obsess over it, ya know? Not good for me and I still love me and a whole lot of other people still really love me. I'm trying to just focus on that love and letting that envelop me instead."

Her response:

"YOU ARE SUCH A COOL BITCH YOU INSPIRE ME"

I love her. :)

Day Two: Part Two

A Letter To You If I Were Talking To You 

Dear HB,

Why? When did this start? Is it when your brother started getting laid? Was it because of that? Be honest. We're always honest with each other. 

If it wasn't that, then what? Was it when you started school again? Did you start to envy the single students lifestyles? Did you start to look at me with disdain?

Was it the start of this summer when I left to come back home? Did you decide you were happier sleeping alone? 

Was it this last week when I came to visit? Were you embarrassed of me? Was it when we went out for desert that one night? When I asked if everything was ok and you said yes? Was it then?

I really do hate you right now. I hate you for doing this to me. For not loving me anymore. How do you stop loving your best friend? Was it that easy to do? Did I really mean that little to you this whole time? 

I feel like a fool. I'm embarrassed and sad and I don't understand anything right now.

You told me you loved me a little more than a week ago. And your voice meant it and your eyes meant it and the way you held my hand meant it. So what happened? 

There's no turning back. I know there's no hope because I know how important your image is to you. I know that, even if you were to fall back in love with me, you'd never fight to get me back. It's done. We're done. 

I love you. I don't want to lose you. But I deserve better. I know it. You're my best friend. You should know it. 

Maybe you don't know what love is. Or maybe I don't. I believed you when you said it. 

I hate you and I love you and then I hate you again. And then I love you again. 

And then one day, maybe one day soon, I won't feel anything towards you. And I'll be ok.

-Tatiana 

Day Two

IT WON'T STOP RAINING! I had planned on FINALLY going out for a nice long walk around my old neighborhood but yeah... I'm not going out in that.

So I've been sitting at home, reading and watching random things. I watched this documentary film about the puppeteer for Elmo, Kevin Clash. It was pretty good and I admit I did cry twice. But I haven't cried about him today. I tend to ignore my pain and I am REALLY good at it. It's a survival mechanism I've worked on since I was a kid. Poverty, dysfunctional family, alcohol abuse, horrible illness, etc. When you're poor, one thing builds off of another.

So this break up isn't the worst thing I've ever been through. I still have a roof over my head and food to eat. My basic necessities haven't been messed with. Not to belittle what he meant to me. He meant everything to me. I changed my life in order to be with him. But there is comfort in knowing the base of my hierarchy of needs is met.

Day One: Part Three

I'm not at that point were I can really reevaluate the relationship. Despite the fact that he doesn't love me anymore, there's still this part of my heart that hopes he changes his mind. That he'll come back to me. I know that's normal though. I'm on the road to realization, I guess you could say, but I haven't quite gotten home to the Truth.

And until I'm ready for that brutal truth, I'm filling my time watching movies that have nothing to do with romance (I watched "Tower Heist" today and I'm not ashamed to say I LIKED IT!), reading books that have nothing to do with romance (I went to the library and checked out three books: one a thriller set in Rome, the other a satirical piece about Supreme Court nominations and the third a classic by Toni Morrison), and listening to music that might have something to do with romance but not enough to hurt the heart (I downloaded Robyn, she's SO FUN!).

Have I messed up? YUP. Listening to Adele or certain classic No Doubt songs is a horrible idea. So is watching any sort of romantic movie. I cried at the end of "You've Got Mail" this afternoon. (WHO DOES THAT?!)

But no matter. I'm going to sleep with this electro pop/dance fabulousness in my head tonight. Enjoy!

Day One: Part Two

I was writing an email to my mentor about what was going on and why you suddenly can't find me on FB anymore. I wrote her this:

"I hope this experience doesn't screw with me for the rest of my life. How am I suppose to fall in love again knowing this can happen? I trusted <HB> to a degree that I didn't know I was capable of. I loved him completely. And he hurt me. Really, really bad."

"I loved him completely." It was weird seeing it in writing. I've always known it but to admit it to someone in writing is a whole other level. It makes it even truer.

I live with this fear deep inside me when it comes to loving people. I cried when I first told HB I loved him. And not out of happiness. I cried because I was scared. I was scared to be so very vulnerable, knowing that I could have my heart obliterated with such a simple sentence as "I don't think I love you anymore."

I don't like being right.

BUT even right know, at this very moment, I'm okay. I'm not over it or him, seeing as I just drove around for an hour and cried for 45 minutes of said drive. But I am okay. I'm strong in the end. Weak right now. But strong in the end.